


one eye open

by unsungillumination



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: M/M, Modern AU, Texting, i have been drowning in html for two days and i need an eyepatch for my heart
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-15
Updated: 2019-11-15
Packaged: 2021-01-31 05:10:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,552
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21440746
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unsungillumination/pseuds/unsungillumination
Summary: the perfect plan: sylvain (the ideal best friend!) sets felix and dimitri up on a date - ablinddate, so they'll actually agree to go. on the date, they realise their feelings for each other. they get together and live happily ever after. sylvain no longer has to listen to felix's angry pining. it's flawless -literallynothing can go wrong.except, wait - dimitri is an idiot, and felix is felix. okay. back to square one.
Relationships: Annette Fantine Dominic & Felix Hugo Fraldarius, Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd & Dedue Molinaro (background), Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd & Felix Hugo Fraldarius & Ingrid Brandl Galatea & Sylvain Jose Gautier, Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd/Felix Hugo Fraldarius
Comments: 93
Kudos: 799





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> this is 3000+ lines of html which i am now seeing in my nightmares!! stan dimilix!! hope you enjoy!! lore and miscellaneous crap in endnotes. stay hydrated
> 
> the second chapter is not so much a second chapter as it is... a bonus? well get there first and then i'll explain
> 
> (icons are pre-timeskip but only for aesthetic reasons their real ages are up in the air probably 20 something)

SYLVAIN'S PHONE

prince charming  
Active now

heyy how was the date :) Hello Sylvain. Thank you for organising a ‘blind date’ for me. Unfortunately, the person you sent must have been busy, as it seems they couldn’t make it. By a stroke of fortune, though, Felix was there, so I had a very pleasant evening with him instead. :-)

fuck you  
Active now

heyyyyyyy how was the date ;))) going to kill you. keep a knife under your pillow. 

* * *

ingry  
Active now

I really think there are better ways to do this. probably. if they involve felix voluntarily experiencing an emotion or dimitri processing one then their out Wrong “their” then there out Forget it. Felix has feelings.

fuck you  
Active now

are you talking to me yet? tell me what emotion your having rightnow 🔪

clown car  


felix is currently feeling knife Sir Daphnel, The Noble and Kind, Th  
Shocker. As opposed to... idk sword? His Highness  
Hah, sounds like Felix :-) 🔪  
all of you shut up Sir Daphnel, The Noble and Kind, Th  
Don’t be like that. Are you okay? aw hes fine you know felix our good ol felix strong and silent 🔪  
evacuate Sir Daphnel, The Noble and Kind, Th  
Abort. His Highness  
Please, calm down, Felix.

prince charming  
Active now

sorry your date flaked That’s all right, Sylvain. It worked out for the best in the end. so you had a good time? I did. Felix is always good company. Thank you for organising the meetup for me. It led to a very pleasant evening.

ingry  
Active now

he has it so bad Which one? his highness  both sickening I’m happy for them. It will be good for them once they get together. so much confidence in them iggy Don’t call me that. inky :*

clown car  


Sir Daphnel, The Noble and Kind, Th  
Dimitri His Highness  
Sylvain, stop it. wtf no fair telling on me to his highness howd you even know it was me His Highness  
When is it not? 🔪  
😂 oh NOW you talk

ingry  
Active now

What exactly WAS your plan? I’m not clear on exactly how much you actually... planned. yeah i set them up on a blind date but they were supposed to actually realise it was a date my bad. I forgot dimitri is an idiot That’s rude. but am I wrong So Felix realised, but Dimitri didn’t? pparently lemme ask Wait.

fuck you  
Active now

ok did you actually have fun though go away talk to me felix. your mother and I are worried

  


  
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ingry  
Active now

felix blocked me  Nobody saw that coming.

* * *

INGRID'S PHONE

Felix  
Active now

What actually happened? like he didn’t tell you Sylvain? He didn’t tell me anything. nmp What does that mean not my problem Ok, you can’t just make up abbreviations and expect everyone to know what they mean. yic. fu

Dimitri  
Active now

How was your date? It didn’t end up being one, but the evening was still pleasant :-) So it worked out for the best. What do you mean? Well, I went to the restaurant Sylvain specified, but when I arrived, only Felix was there. I asked what he was doing there and he said he was also waiting for a blind date. I suggested we wait together, so we waited for a while, but nobody showed up. So I invited him to have dinner with me instead.

Manwhore  
Active now

Ok remember when you said Dimitri was dumb ya sorry. you were right.

Dimitri  
Active now

He agreed? I was surprised, too. You know, we’ve all been friends for so long, but I frequently get the impression that Felix simply does not like me.

Felix  
Active now

Do you hate Dimitri

clown car  


Dimitri His Highness  
Felix, stop ignoring Ingrid 🔪  
what the FUCK

Felix  
Active now

no He thinks you don’t like him. good

Dimitri  
Active now

I know for a fact that Felix doesn’t dislike you. Thank you. You know, you should be more discreet. It’s clear you just interrogated him. I didn’t INTERROGATE him...

Manwhore  
Active now

hows it gion Felix doesn’t hate Dimitri, he’s just being felix about it, Dimitri legitimately doesn’t realise it was a date but had a good time did FELIX have a good time

Felix  
Active now

Did you enjoy the date? like I don’t know sylvain fucking sent you I don’t take messages for Sylvain, idiot. I’m asking you as a friend. great then I can tell you to butt out and fuck off instead of telling you to tell him

clown car  


🔪  
don’t you fucking dare Answer me then.

Felix  
Active now

it was fine. What happened? what the fuck could have happened. it was dinner. we ate. we left.

Dimitri  
Active now

While you’re interrogating Felix, would you be able to tell me if he enjoyed himself? You’re acting like a schoolgirl with a crush. Why can’t you ask him? He never answers me...

Felix  
Active now

wait are you asking if we FUCKED FELIX

Manwhore  
Active now

so like did they do anything tho 😏 I am not PAID enough to deal with all of you whose paying you to be our friend?????????

Felix  
Active now

what the fuck am I supposed to think you wont shut up about it

Dimitri  
Active now

You should count yourself lucky. ?

Felix  
Active now

NO I AM NOT ASKING THAT I’M ASKING IF YOU HAD A GOOD TIME seiros I told you it was fine

Dimitri  
Active now

I think he enjoyed himself. :-) I’m so glad!

Manwhore  
Active now

Sylvain. we have to protect Dimitri I know...the poor dumb bastard

Felix  
Active now

it’s not like it matters, stupid boar didnt even realise what was going on Did you want him to think it was a date? I want him to drop dead

Manwhore  
Active now

I think you’re right, they do have it pretty bad. ✊

Felix  
Active now

im going to kill sylvain Normally I’d join you, but he meant well this time. meant well?? hes trying to fucking humiliate me That’s not what he’s doing Felix. Stop ignoring me.

Manwhore  
Active now

He’s SO prickly. How did you even get him to agree to go? did u ever do that negative traits quiz that was around the netz a while back What? Answer my question. I am. there was this question in the quiz that was like “i am willing to suffer if it makes my enemies suffer very accurate accurate n/a not accurte extremely notaccurate” which measured spite Ah. What did he make you give up out of respect for your dignity as a lady, Ingrid, I will not tell you, but I am super chafey and looking into discreet underwear dealers which felix my roommate will not noitce  What??? OK HE TOOK ALL MY UNDERWEAR AND GOING COMMANDO IS NOT AS FUN AND SEXY AS IT LOOKS. AER YOU HAPPY? why am I friends with you. why am if riends with any of you

* * *

DIMITRI'S PHONE

Dedue  
Active now

I don’t understand. Why is there a problem, if you enjoyed your evening? Don’t you find there to be something odd about the whole situation? I wasn’t at all suspicious until Ingrid started questioning me. It IS strange that Felix agreed to dine with me. I expected him to turn me down and leave when his date didn’t appear. It is also strange that both of your dates did not show up. Exactly... I hate to be distrustful of my friends when I know they mean the best for me, but it is difficult not to wonder about Sylvain’s motives. I don’t know how best to explain. He is Sylvain. Yes! You always understand me, Dedue. Nevertheless, I am sure they bear no ill will.

sylvain wuz here  
Active now

tell Ingrid and sylvain to stop fucking bothering me about dinner or ill mount your head on my wall 🐗

Dedue  
Active now

For the most part.

sylvain wuz here  
Active now

Certainly, Felix.

clown car  


Felix would like to request some peace and quiet. useless nutsack  
can i ask when Dimitri became like the middleman for the gang when did that happen I don’t know. I assure you, I did not ask for the responsibility. Sir Daphnel, The Noble and Kind, Th  
You bear it so well, though. Even Felix listens to you. 🔪  
I do not. :-)

Dedue  
Active now

Do you suppose Sylvain might have had some ulterior motives? Ulterior motives... Like what? I’m not sure. Does he know of your feelings for Felix? I apologise. I know you don’t like to discuss it. No, I’m sorry, it’s alright. I had to relocate to my personal computer. Your question startled me and I cracked my mobile phone screen under my thumbs again. Dedue, for the umpteenth time, I don’t have feelings for Felix. Again...? I’ll pay for it... I am not confident you understand your feelings in this matter. Well, we can agree to disagree. Nevertheless, I doubt Sylvain would assume as much.

* * *

SYLVAIN'S PHONE

ingry  
Active now

hey check out my Dimitri impression Greetings. It is I, Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd. I am really nice to everyone all the time, which means that my friends can’t even do impressions of me without feeling guilty after one sentence. Stan Felix! 😍😍😍😍😍😍 who is stan seiros nevermind

* * *

FELIX'S PHONE

Boar :-)  
Active now

Felix. Are you angry with me? I’m sorry to bother you. Please tell me if you are. You don’t have to use words. You can simply press a random letter on your keyboard to let me know you are receiving these messages. q Thank you, Felix. Would you please say Y if you are angry with me and N if you are not? n :-) I’m relieved to hear it. Thank you.

BESTIE!!! ✨💖✨  
Active now

Don’t you think you should give him a break????????? 🤷️ How can you be so mean to Dimitri??? he’s the nicest person in the world!!! he can handle it But you LIKE him!! not so loud. I’M TEXTING YOU!!! yes...loudly You are a nightmare!!!!!!

whore  
Active now

🔪 what what did I do this time nothing. I hadn’t threatened you in a few hours. ??????/ god this was so much less scary when you werent living literally right next to my room why did i actually decide to move in with you felix???whats the metal noise are you sharpening a real knife oh hey wait you unblocked me to threaten me can I have my underwear back

Boar :-)  
Active now

stop running around after me. it’s pathetic. Ah, you’re typing in full sentences. Should I feel blessed? :-) talking to you makes me want to throw up I just wanted to confirm that I didn’t do anything to upset you the other night. god youre so fucking annoying. stop being paranoid. it was fine. May I thank you for agreeing to spend the evening with me? this is pitiful. im out. I’ll take that as acquiescence. Felix, thank you for your company. I had a lovely time. You don’t have to respond. :-)

BESTIE!!! ✨💖✨  
Active now

🔪 ??????? not you. pissed at the boar but I said id stop replying to him. Awwwww this is kinda cute you like him so much <3 😡 🥰

* * *

DIMITRI'S PHONE

Dedue  
Active now

Dedue, I am so sorry to bother you again, but if you see Mercedes today, would you please deliver something for me? I bought her a new needlework set to replace the one I broke. Rather, the three that I broke. Only if it is on your way. Please do not trouble yourself. It is no trouble. I will see her in class later. I can drop by your apartment to pick it up. No, no, I’ll stop by and leave it in your mailbox on my way home. I’m sorry, it’s just been such a long day and I wasn’t sure when I would see her next. There is no need to apologise. I’m happy to assist. You are far too good a person, Dedue. I model my behaviour after you. So I should hope so. :-)...

Ashe  
Active now

Ashe, I’m sorry to bother you, but I thought I should let you know I ordered some cat litter for you since I remembered you mentioned you needed it. You didn’t have to do that!! Thank you so much! How much was it?? I’ll pay you back next time I see you! No, no, there’s no need :-) I’ll drop it by next week, if that’s all right. I’d come sooner but I have been busy :-( I found some more books you might like, too. Dimitri, that’s too much! You have to let me pay. It’s really all right! I won’t accept payment. You’ve done me at least as many favours. Is Wednesday okay? Yeah, I’ll make sure I’m home. Thank you so much again... I really appreciate it. Things have been tight lately. Anytime. That’s what friends are for, right? I know you would do the same for me. Right...!

* * *

FELIX'S PHONE

BESTIE!!! ✨💖✨  
Active now

i dont even like him that much. everyone thinks hes so great uh huh hes just a stupid do gooder idiot who wants to pretend hes so fucking good just a fucking good person fucking piece of shit uh huh hes not even that good looking uh huh are you even listening to me? uh huh im going to record you next time you sing and post it on youtube uh huh WAIT NO NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO 😂 FELIX YOU’RE SO EVIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

whore  
Active now

so can I set u up on another date so can I strangle you with your own small intestine really? really I am trying to help you here yeah fucking right

BESTIE!!! ✨💖✨  
Active now

I’ll just never sing for you again!!!!! Ha!!!!!!!! 😢 Ever!!!!!!!!!!! 😭 OMG FINE YOU’RE THE WORST 🥰

whore  
Active now

was it really that bad????? I fucking told you it was fine why cant you just leave me alone ok first of all u told me nothing I told ingrid do I look like ingrid to u??? idiot I know she told you yea but I didn’t hear it from ur own pretty lips 😘 ill cut your lips off OK U KNOW WHAT I AM TRYING TO HELP U GET OVER UR DEEPSEATED REPRESSION AND FUCK DIMITRI AND THIS I S THE THAKSN I GET what awas that noise felix what was that noise

clown car  


useless nutsack  
sylvain is dead. you’re next His Highness  
Felix! Sir Daphnel, The Noble and Kind, Th  
Seiros. I’m coming over.

* * *

INGRID'S PHONE

Dimitri  
Active now

Is Sylvain all right?? Yes, he’s fine. Felix sprayed hairspray in his eye. Oh no! That’s very painful. ... Please... I was very tired. Surely I am not alone. I worry about you, Dimitri. Never mind that. What were they fighting about? Honestly, I don’t know that they actually need to be fighting ABOUT anything these days.

Manwhore  
Active now

Ok, WHAT is your plan going forward. You can’t just let them run around like this, they’re useless and pathetic. harsh ingy but I cant disagree believe it or not I do actually have a plan Do you? i didnt but now I do as ofo ne second ago I was stalling when I said I had one ill just get them to agree to another date Hahahahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahhahahahhahahahha wow u ewre typing for so long and it was just that do u still type with like one finger that woul d take forever You are never going to get them to agree to another date u underestimate me my dear ingson I don’t even know what to say to that.

* * *

SYLVAIN'S PHONE

prince charming  
Active now

yo dim aim really sorry ur date bailed i really wanted you to hav e a good time out yknow learn to loosen up Please don’t worry, Sylvain! I did have a good time out. I feel looser already. :-)

ingry  
Active now

where are we on the dont bully dimitri policy Still banned. He’s too nice and he doesn’t get it. ugh your rite I cant even bring myself to do it

prince charming  
Active now

well good but I still feel like I have to make it up to you. let me organise you another one. I promise ill make it worth it! I don’t know, Sylvain... I really have been busy lately, and besides, I don’t want you to feel like you owe me. It really isn’t necessary. cmon dima, I want to! as your friend. i feel bad about what happened i dont want u to have like a bad taste of blind dates and stuff  I suppose I can’t refuse when I know it’s an act of friendship and goodwill. Very well, Sylvain, let me know the details. Thank you for doing this for me. 👍!!!!!!!!!!!!

ingry  
Active now

iggy am I like a bad person Yeah really? just like that? Yeah objectively hurtful but I am gonna go ahead and just file that away in the repressed sylvain feelings file Ok no sympathy for my blatantly manipulative response??? No, because you’re still bullying Dimitri, which makes you an international criminal I see I cant win this

Beautiful Roommate  
Active now

Fe no seriously? u never reply to anything but u instareply just to shut me down actually that’s not true uve been replying way more lately awwww lil fefe wants to talk about his emotions subconsciously fuck off and die awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

clown car  


🔪  
Boar His Highness  
Sylvain, cut it out. OK HOW IS HE DOING THAT SRSLY

Beautiful Roommate  
Active now

ok ok im sorry but look I really am trying to help felix stop ignoring me

Beautiful Roommate set his nickname to fuck you again.  


clown car  


His Highness  
I am begging you to stop making me do this, but Sylvain, Felix wants me to tell you to eff off. His Highness  
I apologise, truly, for my language. Sir Daphnel, The Noble and Kind, Th  
FELIX! 🔪  
😈

fuck you again  
Active now

u realise that u preferring to talk to dimitri over me is not helping ur case at all will you LEAVE me ALONE id rather talk to a molten turd than you. it doesnt mean anything. always a pleasure to talk to you too felix. look im going to arrange another date. will you go? are you actually insane? have we been giving you a hard time for being stupid all these years and it’s been a clinical condition the whole time? hurtful and also more broadly insensitive but okay ill cop it look its just really obvious you like dimitri and wont do anything gso can u just let me help I am asking you as a friend. please shut your fucking mouth and then shove a hedgehog up your ass u said please! that’s progress

Annette  
Active now

annie my angel the light of my life I need ur help What’s up?? felix Oh he’s being a grump!! when is he not Is it about You Know Who? voldemort ?? No! Dimitri! oh bingo Why ask me? not to exaggerate but ur literally the only person on sothises green earth he listens to LOL OK what do you want me to do! I’m on the job!

* * *

FELIX'S PHONE

BESTIE!!! ✨💖✨  
Active now

Felix!! 🥰 yes I need a favour! yes wait Sylvain sent you. No.  😿 Felixxxxxxxxxx traitor I just need you to go on one date!!! I’ll do your laundry! i wouldnt offer if I were you. ive still got all sylvains underwear. OK I won’t ask! How about.......I’ll write you a song!! And I’ll let you record it 🥺 you don’t play fair It’s for your own good!! i don’t understand why everyone is so invested in my love life Because we CARE ABOUT YOUUUUUU therefore you need to meddle in my private business? :( Are you really angry? no sorry You can make it up to me by going on the date!! 😠 😇 😠

whore  
Active now

fine

BESTIE!!! ✨💖✨  
Active now

ill hold you to the song 😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁 OFC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

* * *

SYLVAIN'S PHONE

Annette  
Active now

annie... your a miracle worker <3

ingry  
Active now

we are go You’re kidding. You don’t mean it worked??

fuck you again  
Active now

same place same time all g? whatever

prince charming  
Active now

dima same time same place? Of course. I’ll clear my schedule. Thank you again. eyyy anything for my good little buddy the prince I do wish you would stop calling me that...

clown car  


🥳 His Highness  
? Sir Daphnel, The Noble and Kind, Th  
I can’t believe you.

* * *

DIMITRI'S PHONE

Dedue  
Active now

May I ask, why have you agreed to another date if you are still hung up on Felix? Sylvain seemed so keen to help me. I couldn’t refuse, he’s a friend. Hm. I am not hung up on Felix. If you insist on remaining in denial, then allow me to rephrase the question: Is your primary concern not Felix as your completely platonic friend? You have seemed upset lately that he wishes not to speak with you. Felix really seems not to like me. At all, it seems. Least of all in THAT way, so there is no basis for your thinly-veiled suspicion. If I may be candid, I am not sure I understand why you like HIM. I suppose that’s fair. I can’t say I understand what’s happened myself. He’s always been prickly, but I could always tell what he meant. We were very close up until recently. He just stopped talking to me...

* * *

FELIX'S PHONE

BESTIE!!! ✨💖✨  
Active now

OMG OK let me get this straight You realised you liked Dimitri so you STOPPED TALKING TO HIM? not so loud YOU!!! LOVE!!! DIMITRI!!! YOU ARE IN LOVE!!! 😞 I can’t believe you!! You realise he’s going to think you hate him!! good FELIX FRALDARIUS sorry felix HUGO fraldarius 😞 You can’t do this to him!!! He won’t understand!! not my problem okay. fine. sorry. you’re right. i don’t know what else to do. Is it TOO much to suggest you just tell Dimitri what’s going on! I mean I know it’s you! But come on! not an option Can you at least stop ignoring him??? maybe

Boar :-)  
Active now

🐗 FElix! Sorry, that was meant to say “Felix!” I typed too fast out of excitement.

BESTIE!!! ✨💖✨  
Active now

good fucking lord What!! Did he say something wholesome again!

Boar :-)  
Active now

did sylvain tell you about the date Oh, has he set you up another one, too? Sylvain is a good friend. I hope your date turns up this time. :-)

BESTIE!!! ✨💖✨  
Active now

i What?? have never met someone so fucking stupid

whore  
Active now

did you not tell him who the date was with what no of course not why. hed get flusteredand not go or something I don’t kown *kown *no also its funny why, does he still think its someone else that guy really does not know what is going on at all im going to smother you in your sleep with your stupid boxers dude no

Boar :-)  
Active now

boar. i had a nice time. **Not delivered**

BESTIE!!! ✨💖✨  
Active now

never mind Nooooooooooooooooooooooo ooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!

* * *

DIMITRI'S PHONE

Dedue  
Active now

If you don’t mind my asking, what exactly happened on the last evening out? I arrived at the restaurant and found Felix waiting there, so I asked him what he was doing and he said he was waiting for a blind date. I told him I was doing the same. Then he looked enraged for a minute, but he frequently does, so I let it pass. I suggested we wait together, and he looked sullen but agreed. We chatted for a while, which I appreciated, because he hadn’t spoken to me in a while. Did you ask why? No, I thought I ought to allow him his space. He doesn’t have to talk to me if he doesn’t want to. I see. Some time passed and our dates didn’t arrive, so I suggested we simply have dinner together. Again, he looked mutinous, but agreed, much to my surprise. Nothing monumental occurred. It was just nice to talk with him. He is always honest with me.

* * *

FELIX'S PHONE

Sylvain, Felix, Annette, Ingrid  


Sylvain created the group.  


Sylvain named the group betting pool for when felix learns to talk about hisemotions that he claims to experience.  


Felix left the group.  


* * *

DIMITRI'S PHONE

Dedue  
Active now

Come to think of it, Sylvain organised the blind date for me after I mentioned to him that Felix hadn’t been speaking to me lately. Do you think he might suspect I have feelings for Felix? He must be trying to make me feel better. It’s possible. I don’t want to be rude, but I suspect you have been less discreet than you believe. Dedue! Do you think so?! There is nothing to be discreet about! How many times must I repeat myself...? I do not have feelings for Felix! I sincerely doubt Sylvain is reading into this as much as you have been. Forgive me. You are rather transparent in these matters, though you yourself seem unable to see through it. How embarrassing... I suppose I should ask.

studhorse  
Active now

Sylvain? wassupppp May I confide in you about something important?

clown car  


useless nutsack  
inky I think dimas about to come clean about felix mark the dATE useless nutsack  
oops

studhorse  
Active now

SYLVAIN!

clown car  


_This message has been removed._ useless nutsack  
oops Sir Daphnel, The Noble and Kind, Th  
good grief 🔪  
what was that message? i didn’t see it. It was nothing, Felix. useless nutsack  
YEA NOTHING DON’T WORRYABOUT IT 🔪  
😒

studhorse  
Active now

Is that what you’ve been assuming?! LOOOOOL SORRY BRO YOUR NOT REALLY SUBTLE This is absolutely humiliating... Sylvain, I do NOT have feelings for Felix. uh hhuuuhhhhhh sorry about the misfire It’s fine. No harm, no foul. If this was what you thought, then why did you set up a date for me with someone else? uh Were you trying to help me get over my troubles? uh yeah yeah it was that Sylvain... Thank you.

* * *

SYLVAIN'S PHONE

ingry  
Active now

Yes, you’re a bad person. OK WELL

* * *

INGRID'S PHONE

Felix  
Active now

Felix, there’s something I don’t understand. Can we talk? what goddess above i forgot how fucking slow you are at typing I hope this isn’t offensive. You come off as really abrasive, and it almost seems like you don’t have feelings. But I know that’s not true. Glenn was like that, too. Something you have in common with him is that when you get upset, you ALWAYS talk about it. are you taking up my time just to compare me to my brother who by the way is dead That’s hypocritical. You’re not a fast typer either. And no, I’m not. I’m saying I know you didn’t change THAT much from when we were kids, Felix. You’re not the most open about your feelings, but you’ve always preferred honest confrontation. I want to know why you’re not being honest with Dimitri. this again? It IS my business. its none of your business ugh! Stop ignoring me. I’ll come to your place if you don’t reply. you are a fucking pain in my ass. fine. whatever. what’s your point. Just answer my question. only if you tell me why this fucking matters to you You should answer first. no Ugh, I can’t stand you. never mind. delete whatever you’re typing. What? it’s just going to be “ooooo because we’re friiiiends” I don’t want to see it. Well, fine. Answer me, then. theres no point talking about it. What do you mean? you’re right. I don’t like letting things sit when the obvious answer is just to talk about it. but that wouldn’t change anything, so there’s no use. Why don’t you think it would change anything? the boar is stupid Normally I’d argue but recent events make that kind of difficult.

Dimitri  
Active now

Dimitri, I know you have feelings for Felix. Dimitri?

Dedue  
Active now

Hello, Ingrid. Dimitri is currently at my home. He read your message and accidentally threw his new phone across the room. ... He said he will get back to you when he is at home, but would like to emphasise that he “does not”. Right. Thanks, Dedue. Did you say new phone? No manner of shatterproof cases seems to save them, I’m afraid. Good grief. Sorry about your house. Thank you. It was just a window.

Felix  
Active now

You have to realise he likes you too. Even if he apparently doesn’t. i don’t have to realise anything, and it’s not like that matters. How could it not matter?! im done talking about this. it’s pointless and annoying.

Annette  
Active now

Annette? UGH IM ON IT!!

Felix  
Active now

“make friends felix” you say and then use them to ruin my fucking life Hmph. You’re ruining your own life. 😒 Dimitri likes you. You know this. But he doesn’t know you like him. He also, apparently, doesn’t know he likes you, which is a whole separate unbelievable matter that I don’t even want to touch This should be simple. forgive me if I don’t want to take relationship advice from you. the only one you’ve been in was for a fucking business arrangement that fell through.  sorry, ingrid. Whatever.

Annette  
Active now

Felix says he’s really sorry and that was out of line and he didn’t mean it!!! And he’s not saying this himself because... Of who he is as a person!! Right. Of course.

Felix  
Active now

I SAID whatever. it’s not like I’m not used to you. 🐴 If you don’t want to talk about Dimitri, fine. Just stop sabotaging yourself. It’s sad to watch.

* * *

SYLVAIN'S PHONE

fuck you again  
Active now

don’t say a single smug thing or I’ll slit your throat. what has the boar said about me. I am unsmugly and seriously informing you that he is head over heels and sprouts a wagging tail every time your name comes up ugh. extremely unsmug of me don’t you think i repeat, ugh. date tomorrow are u pumped why can’t you tell him it’s me why can’t u tell him urself it’s YOUR DICK ON THE LINE

  


  
You can't reply to this conversation. Learn  
More

ingry  
Active now

felix blocked me again honestly, consider yourself lucky.

* * *

DIMITRI'S PHONE

Dedue  
Active now

Please help me. I thought you were on your date. I am. I am texting you from the bathroom.

* * *

FELIX'S PHONE

BESTIE!!! ✨💖✨  
Active now

why are u messaging me from ur date!!! Dimitris in the bathroom o so this is my status update?? quick before he comes back!! hes been in there for ten minutes oh do I want to hear this!!

* * *

DIMITRI'S PHONE

Dedue  
Active now

Why are you messaging me from the bathroom? I am in crisis. I’m starting to think Sylvain might have set me up.

* * *

SYLVAIN'S PHONE

fuck you again  
Active now

wtf do u mean hes hiding in the bathroom tell me which fucking part of that sentence you didn’t understand and ill open the dictionary to that page before I shove it up your ass

prince charming  
Active now

Sylvain?

ingry  
Active now

OK U WERE RIGHT I SHOULD NOT HAVE GOTTEN INVOLVED Let me guess. It’s the consequences of your actions. I THOUGHT THEYD NEVER FIND ME

prince charming  
Active now

yea buddy I thought your on you’re date?? I am. I’m in the bathroom.

fuck you again  
Active now

ok is he like actually hiding do you want to ask him if he has the shits? im not doing it.

prince charming  
Active now

uhh is everything ok...digestively? is this something u need help with wheres ur date That’s what I want to ask you about. Sylvain. I know this wrecks the spirit of a blind date, but may I ask who you intended to set me up with?

ingry  
Active now

OOOOOO FUC I don’t know what you’re reacting to right now, but whatever it is, tell the truth. good idea or

prince charming  
Active now

what why

fuck you again  
Active now

ok are U texting him why the fuck would i bc he ran out on u to sit in the bathroom??? and now I get some peace and quiet.

prince charming  
Active now

I am once again spending my night with Felix. Sylvain, please tell me. Did you really procure a date for me? i did yes And did you procure one for Felix? indeed yes I did so do this And...

ingry  
Active now

TELL THE TRUTH.

fuck you again  
Active now

text Dimitri it’s rude to text on a date. holy mother of seiros

prince charming  
Active now

Who were the dates? use ur big brain! Sylvain!

* * *

DIMITRI'S PHONE

Felix  
Active now

are you dead Felix! No! I’m fine! then you’re using your phone in the bathroom. that’s disgusting. Sorry! I’m just washing my hands. while texting That is, I just finished washing my hands. so you’re standing in the bathroom doing nothing Please give me a moment.

Dedue  
Active now

Dedue. WHAT. DO. I .DO. I would first advise you to leave the bathroom. Then I would have to see Felix, and he is the source of the current problem. If I may, he is the source of many problems.

Ingrid  
Active now

Dimitri, Sylvain says you’re hiding in the bathroom. Sylvain is certainly willing to hand out exclusively unhelpful information. Yeah. Stop hiding in the bathroom. I can’t. Is Sylvain setting me up with Felix?

Felix  
Active now

im eating your kebab

Ingrid  
Active now

So he didn’t tell you.

studhorse  
Active now

SYLVAIN! damn it did inky rat me out

Felix  
Active now

why did you put so much fucking chilli powder on it Sorry. I can’t taste it, but spicy food is easier to get some sensation out of. Felix? Are you alright? getout ofth e fucking bathroomso ican goget osme more water The water bottle was... full, when I left. Did you drain it already?

studhorse  
Active now

ok I cant say anything else or felix will kill me just go talk to him I can't. I don't know how to handle this, and if I hurt him somehow I will never forgive myself. and you care this much because.............. He's my friend! that how you talk about ALL your friends?

Dedue  
Active now

Oh, Goddess. Do I have feelings for Felix? Yes. You do.

felix free space  


Please help me. Sylvain  
ah felix free space my old friend how I have missed you Tell me. Why did you think I had feelings for him? Sylvain  
ok heres my you impression Sylvain  
Friends! We are today to embark on an outing of comrades. Ohoho. Let us invite Felix on this thing he will definitely hate I don’t... sound like that... Sylvain  
and then we go “oh but Dimitri our good chum why on earth would we fucking do that” and then you do this Sylvain  
and this is a direct fucking quote Sylvain  
“I like how his presence gives you a warm feeling in your chest” Does it not?! Ingrid  
That’s really just you. I can’t believe this. Sylvain  
I can’t believe you thought the Felix Warm was just a thing Sylvain  
[](https://i.imgur.com/hZ4uojN.jpg)  


Felix  
Active now

BOAR

felix free space  


I am in crisis. What does this mean? Ingrid  
DIMITRI. YOU. HAVE. FEELINGS. FOR. FELIX. Oh. Oh.

Felix  
Active now

Okay. Sorry. I’ll be right out.

* * *

SYLVAIN'S PHONE

ingry  
Active now

ANY UPDATES If I knew, I wouldn’t tell you. You are an atrocity. COOL SO U KNOW NOTHING

Annette  
Active now

ANNIE MY LOVE Felix isn’t saying anything!!!!!! THATS PROBALY GOOD RITE Or he’s committing crimes!!!!! shit good point

Dedue  
Active now

dedude Hello Sylvain. It seems Dimitri has cottoned on to your plot. yes do you know hows it going im receiving mostly a lot of terrifying silence I haven’t heard from him since he vacated the bathroom he was hiding in. ok good so he DID LEAVE I... assume so? cool. terrifying. tahnk u hey so U knew he likes felix right Yes, everyone does. except him Except him, correct.

Ashe  
Active now

ASHE o wait ur not involved in this ok have a good day what??

ingry  
Active now

inky my recon mission has ended in failure That’s familiar. wow.....................

* * *

FELIX'S PHONE

whore  
Active now

felix please tell me whats going on you haven’t yelled at me in like two hours and its freaking me the fuck out

Ingrid  
Active now

Is Dimitri alive? Are you alive?

BESTIE!!! ✨💖✨  
Active now

FEEEELIIIIIXXXXXXXXXX WHATS GOIN ONNNNNNNN

Mercedes  
Active now

Felix? I’m sorry to pry, but the others seem quite worried about you and Dimitri. Let me know if you’d like to talk, okay? Be safe! ❤️

clown car  


we’re fine tell everyone to fuck off useless nutsack  
FELIX YOUR ALIVE Sir Daphnel, The Noble and Kind, Th  
oh thank the goddess. by “we” you do mean Dimitri and not his corpse? His Highness  
Yes useless nutsack  
yes which one useless nutsack  
DIMA YES WHICH ONE

* * *

INGRID'S PHONE

Manwhore  
Active now

yeet Good morning. So they’re alive? ya felix dragged himself home @ like 3am looking like a drowned rat Ah. i DID ask but he just threw a slipper at me which could mean anything really Ask what? yknow 👉👌 SYLVAIN. what???? is that NOT what u were wondering NO.

Felix  
Active now

i know sylvain’s texting you. he’s right in front of me. what’s he saying. He’s trying to give me details I didn’t ask for. Just to be clear, I have absolutely no interest in your sex life. what the FUCK. im going to kill sylvain I’ll help you hide the body.

clown car  


useless nutsack  
INGRID AND FELIX ARE CLEARLY PLOTTING MY MURDER RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME 🔪  
dimitris not going to save you useless nutsack  
I see its dimitri and not boar now 😏

🔪left the group.

His Highness added Felix Fraldarius to the group.  
His Highness  
Please don’t leave me alone with them. 🔪  
stop being a baby How was last night? 🔪  
🔪 His Highness  
I don’t think Felix wants to talk about it :-) useless nutsack  
😏

🔪 removed useless nutsack from the group.  
His Highness  
Come now, Felix...

🔪 removed His Highness from the group.  
Really? 🔪  
too noisy Wow. 🔪  
it was nice. 🔪  
last night, i mean.

🔪 has left the group.  


* * *

DIMITRI'S PHONE

studhorse  
Active now

Sylvain, because I know you already have the wrong idea, I’d like to clarify that nothing happened between Felix and I last night. oh no I know dude What? oh cmon you two are so pure as if youd *cough cough* “do it” on the first date naughty words omitted for innocent dima’s maiden ears Thanks, Sylvain. so what did u two kids get up to instead of fun stuff We just talked. It was nice. :-) thats sweet did you confess the feelings you finally figured out you have I did. what did he say Um, I’m not comfortable with the language he used. ok replace it with “flock” He said something like, “You’re a flocking idiot” and then mumbled some unsavoury things under his breath. It doesn’t matter, we’ve resolved it now :-)

* * *

FELIX'S PHONE

BESTIE!!! ✨💖✨  
Active now

SO UR DATING yes OFFICIALLY? ig YOU’RE BOYFRIENDS?? is this unclear somehow? TELL ME EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED!!!!!! we talked. i kissed him. the end. YOU KISSED??????????????????? not so loud. THAT’S NOT ENOUGH DETAILS!!!!!!! TELL ME MORE!!!!!!!!! WHAT HAPPENED AFTER HE LEFT THE BATHROOM!!!! I got water BESIDES UR SPICE TOLERANCE!!!!! he said he thought sylvain set us up WHAT DID U SAY I said obviously AND THEN he said “you knew?” so I said anyone with half a brain could have worked it out. then he wondered why sylvain would do such a thing and I called him a fucking idiot which he is then he put his hand on my hand and forced me to look at him and said some bullshit like “felix I do believe I have feelings for you” so I got up and left YOU WHAT??????????? left. went to get more water oh my god. oh my god. then I came back and hed shredded his napkin HE’S SO CUTE???????????????? THEN WHAT why do you need so much detail? FELIX JUST TELL ME!!!!! he started to get up and apologise to me for some fucking reason so I kissed him so hed shut up did that work????? obviously the fuck not since he’s a useless piece of sappy fuck he kept talking SO YOU KNEW THAT BUT YOU DID IT ANYWAY????????? leave me alone. then what then what then what!!!!!! we talked about it. I don’t know. do I need to relive all of this? it was mortifying. oh my god im so happy right now you’re strange.

* * *

DIMITRI'S PHONE

Dedue  
Active now

I take it you two are now officially a couple? Thank you for your support. I must have been infuriating to deal with. I will not comment. That said, I am happy for you, Dimitri. :-) Thank you, my friend. Oh, this is funny. Felix told me the reason he hasn’t been speaking to me is that he was embarrassed to find he had feelings for me. I was so worried! For nothing! :-) ...

Felix  
Active now

Felix? if you thank me for last night I will cut you down where you stand My! Such a long response! Is this what I ought to expect from now on? i abhor you Don’t you mean a-boar?

clown car  


🔪  
. I can’t tell MYSELF off... useless nutsack  
guys can u get a room

Felix  
Active now

i had a good time. thanks. There’s nothing to thank me for, Felix. I’m only sorry it took me so long to figure out my own feelings. didn’t expect better Why didn’t you tell me how you felt? It might have helped me along. 🙄 Ha. Okay, fair enough. I’m glad I got there eventually. yeah, me too. You should know I adore you. shut the fuck up. YOU didn’t know until yesterday. No, I knew. The... romantic nature of my feelings may have gotten a little confused, but there’s never been any doubt that I care for you, Felix. I always have, and deeply so. ok. stop talking. No, I want to make up for how long it took me to get here. please stop Hah. Okay, for you. this is worse you’re free tonight. come over. Oh? Of course. I look forward to seeing you. Should I bring anything? something to kill sylvain with Don’t be so harsh... I feel we owe him a debt of gratitude. we don’t owe him fucking anything he just threw a condom at my face Ah... get here at 7. ill get rid of him before then. Get... rid of him? don’t worry about it. I feel I should... you don’t have to bring anything. just yourself. Is that enough? :-) fucking idiot. when has it ever not been?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (next "chapter" is just a missing scene from their date which i could not exclude in good faith)
> 
> lore  

> 
> * dimitri is not a prince they just call him “your highness” because he’s so like prince charming and also because it embarrasses the living hell out of him  

> * ingrid and glenn were not betrothed bc that’s kind of not really a thing in modern setting but they were in an arranged engagement for their respective family businesses idk they were happy to go through with it though and cared about each other very much  

> * every modern au has to have a reason why felix hates dimitri. sometimes it’s very angsty and serious and sometimes it’s felix realises he has a crush and clams the _fuck_ up  

> * the "felix free space" group chat is an homage to the legendary [felix-free-vent](https://twitter.com/LUPATIER/status/1175799104917708800). felix knows it exists. it was actually his idea. he’s tired of them planning Fun Bowling Outings when he just wants to stay at home and play call of duty or whatever  

> * felix spent the entirety of dimitri’s confession dying from chilli powder  

> * ingrid had to add them all back to the chat after felix’s little tantrum.  

> * the "class" dedue mentions - he teaches a cooking class, which mercie attends :3  

> 
> lore about nicknames
> 
> Sylvain’s phone:  

> 
> * sylvain sets felix’s nickname in their DM every other day and felix deletes it/changes it to “fuck you” or something similar just as often.  

> * don’t talk me im ingry  

>   
Ingrid’s phone:  

> * sylvain changed his own nickname to something too self-complimentary so she changed it to “Manwhore” to reset the balance in the universe  

>   
Dimitri’s phone:  

> * sylvain changed felix’s nickname in dimitri/felix's dm to “sylvain wuz here”. felix doesn’t check the settings, so he doesn’t know. (dimitri eventually deletes it.)  

> * sylvain set his own name to “studhorse”, obviously. dimitri probably just said “Sigh.” and left it.
>   
Felix’s phone:  

> * dimitri set his own name to "Boar :-)" as a joke to placate felix. (it worked, but felix is furious about how cute he finds it.)  

> * annie set her own nickname to BESTIE :star::heart::star:. felix is okay with this.  

> 
> i am on twitter [@corviiid](https://twitter.com/corviiid) come say hello!! <3  
you can rt this fic [here](https://twitter.com/corviiid/status/1195295510384369664)!  
and if you like me please do take me out for coffee @ unsungillumination ;)


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a short missing scene - what happened on the date.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the morning after i finished writing the main text i woke up in a cold sweat with the thought "if i do not let them make out at least a little bit in this fic then i will have betrayed the word of the goddess, in sothis' name amen" so that's this
> 
> edit: now with less stupid formatting mistake

"I'll walk you to my car," Dimitri says awkwardly.

"Why?"

"You walked here, didn't you? Let me drive you home."

"No," says Felix, "I _mean_, why do you need to make a point of _walking me to your car_. Where else would you be walking."

Dimitri blinks, then laughs. "How I've missed you, Felix."

"Shut up."

Dimitri's car is sleek and very clearly expensive, but decently understated. He opens the passenger door for Felix and looks confused when Felix scowls, doubtless unaware that this particular habit of his would probably have a score of girls swooning. Not Felix. Felix is made of sterner stuff.

"Felix," Dimitri says once they're in the car.

"What. You know where I live."

"Felix," Dimitri says again, more softly, and Felix is forced to look at him.

Dimitri kisses him. And kisses him again.

Felix's hand is sliding into Dimitri's hair before he knows it. Dimitri is leaning awkwardly across the front seat, half-crawling, crowding Felix against the passenger side window, and Felix is shifting to make room for Dimitri to press a hand against the small of his back and pull him closer. Eyes half-lidded, Felix pulls away minutely and mumbles, "Why."

Dimitri's lips and cheeks are stained gloriously pink and his eyes are too bright. "I just wanted to call it even," he says, grinning sheepishly, looking at Felix like he's never seen anything better in the world. "You kissed me first in the restaurant."

"Competitive boar," Felix growls and drags him back in like a fucking hypocrite.

When they break apart again, Dimitri slumps onto Felix's chest and lets his head thud down onto his shoulder, laughing shakily.

"Wow," he says weakly. "I really like you."

"You're a fucking idiot."

"I really," says Dimitri, gazing adoringly up into Felix's face, "_really_ like you—and you knew, didn't you?"

"Everyone fucking knew."

Dimitri beams. "And you like me. You do," he adds anxiously, "don't you?"

Felix kisses him again. Yanks his hair up probably too hard to get to him, actually. In retaliation Dimitri's fingers thread through Felix's own hair and snap his hairtie, probably unintentionally or at least plausibly deniably, letting his hair spill down over his shoulders until Dimitri can run his hands through it with a delighted sound into Felix's angry mouth.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading!! <3 twitter [@corviiid](https://twitter.com/corviiid)


End file.
